Friends with benefits relationships are training wheels for other relationships. You are testing your limits and enjoying companionship without having to fully commit to someone. At least that’s how I viewed it.

I grew up in a typical Mexican-American household, with my three siblings and my parents. We held onto our Latin roots but were very much Americanized. I am third generation after all. One of the things we held onto was our shared belief that we do not talk about sex. Sex equals babies. Basically, do not have sex, do not enjoy sex, but if you have a baby that is a blessing from God.

This belief went against my tendency to be curious and flirtatious. However, I was not ready to have sex or even a boyfriend until I was finished high school. I guess in some regards I was a “late bloomer.”

It wasn’t until college that I realized that I didn’t have to be in a relationship to have sex. The media portrays women in a casual relationship as either heartbroken women healing wounds through random sex until we are rescued by a nice guy or that we are sex addicts who are hiding behind sex to not face our insecurities. Neither of these characters or scenarios resonated with me or my experience in casual relationships.

During my casual relationships phase, all I really wanted to do was have fun and let loose so I could focus on more important things such as school, student leadership (college student trustee Y’all), work and my media internships. In other words, I didn’t dive into casual relationships because I wanted to get the attention of men or heal my wounds.

However, I am getting ahead of myself. You click on the article to learn how to have healthy friends with benefits..

Well, what exactly are a Friends with Benefits relationship? In my experience, an FWB is a part-friend part-lover. Never a partner, never a significant other, just a friend and a lover. Among the array of one night stands, short flings, and dates, I had two successful long-term friends with benefits relationships. So, here is my roadmap to a healthy FWB relationship.

One, decide for yourself if you want and are capable of friends with benefits. I have plenty of friends who don’t enjoy casual relationships and that is perfectly okay. Don’t ever feel that to be “sexy” you must have sex with multiple people. On the other hand, don’t shame yourself if you feel that casual sex is important for your wellbeing. I made my decision one night in my first apartment on my bed. I was sitting there awfully confused. I did not want to date my first Friend with Benefits. He was nice, cute and was into me. However, he did not have what I wanted in a boyfriend. But I did want to go on dates with him and have sex with him, I just didn’t want him to be the only one. I also did not hate him, so there was no “angry sex” here. I was confused because my upbringing told me, boys, in your life equal monogamous, planned relationships. I decided to go on a date with this guy, but I was not going to date him.

Two, make sure your lover feels the same way. I was so relieved to know my first FWB was on the same page. We both enjoyed each other’s company; we went out to dinner, hung out on the beach, discussed art and took hikes together. But we both knew we didn’t want a relationship at that moment in our lives and we wouldn’t make a good pair. I had way more ambition then he had and I wanted to travel. He was more laid back and would be content living in Costa Rica and just zip line all day while selling coconut water to pay his rent. We knew from day one, we liked each other enough to be respectful, but we did not enjoy each other exclusively. So be sure to look for common interests, but understand that your life plans and outlook will probably be quite different.

Three, listen to your lover. Okay, let’s say you did step one and step two. But then you start to get feelings for your lover. I have seen this more times than I can count. My girlfriends will make up relationships in their heads. But please, please don’t forget this relationship reality: If your lover never says “I love you,” that means he doesn’t love you. If he doesn’t call you his “girlfriend” that means you are not his girlfriend. Don’t think because he paid for dinner or laughed at your jokes that he wants more than sex and friendship. If he wants more, he will tell you. He probably paid for dinner or laughed at your joke because he is a nice guy and you said something genuinely funny.

If you start developing feelings, explore them, and tell him. Be prepared for the possible end of your arrangement once you express your feelings.. Don’t be upset at him or yourself. You were honest and so was your lover. Just end the relationship and take some time for self-reflection. Do not and I repeat DO NOT continue with the relationship after this conversation. You will spend most of your time trying to read all the “signs.” Don’t try to fit a size 12 foot into a size 6 glass slipper. The glass slipper will break and scar both of you.

On the other hand, your lover’s verbal and nonverbal cues can show you he wants more, but maybe you don’t. When an FWB once started to bring up kids and marriage, I diverted the conversation, made a mental note and stopped communication with him. He was starting to show signs of jealousy before this and I knew he was not a healthy love and will be a horrible partner because he was not being honest about how he truly felt. He was simply trying to slide in clues, which is not a good FWB practice.

Fourth, set up general ground rules for yourself. Hey, we are human, and I know it’s easy to fall into the feels. So here are some of my general ground rules I created for myself.

• No private birthday celebrations. We may have birthday sex or attend each other’s parties but we are not going to plan for each other birthday party.
• No daily phone calls. Again, we are not in a relationship. So we are not going to talk every day, or shoot, even every week. We will check in because we are kind adults, but no “good morning babe” texts.
• No anniversaries!!! For all you hopeless romantics, I know you love the idea of cute dinners, both of you dressed perfectly with bright smiles on your faces, but this is not the relationship for that. This should be simple. Yes, you may have an FWB that lasts a long time, but there is no need to spend money on each other.
• No booty call texts. You are not in a long-term one-night stand relationship. You must be respectful of each other, and each other’s more serious interest if they have one. For example, if I really wanted to see an FWB, I will probably text around 3 pm, and see if he is free that night. If he is, great, if not, not a problem. We will make plans to see each other another day. Or they might text me in the morning on their way to class to see if I want to go hiking later that weekend, and end the day with some pizza, pivoting to Netflix and Chill.

My fifth and final tip is to remember you are friends. Friends talk about their lives and enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom. Friends make each other dinner and just watch movies. Friends hear each other vent out their problems. It’s okay to care about the person you sleep with but remember, this is a friend that you get to have sex with and not a committed relationship.

After a few years of casual relationships, I was ready for a serious relationship. The universe has a funny way of giving you what you need at the right time. Soon I met the guy who was husband material for me and we have now been together for 13 years. So yes, you can find love even after those casual, and sexy days.