When we think about it, most issues with our partners have to do with communication. Either we feel we are not being heard, or they do. It’s easy to forget that our intent can vastly differ from our impact.

So how do we improve it? What can we do to have that oh-so-elusive superb communication with our partner?

First, find out what your Love Language is. One thing I have always enjoyed in this practice of better communication is reading The 5 Love Languages. It will start to put things into perspective. If you’re someone that values words or actions, you’ll begin to notice the small things that make all relationships kind and worthwhile. When we can understand and attune to our partners’ love language, we can open the door to more intimate conversations, and when we know our love language, we can also help our partners learn to love us more deeply in a way we understand. So first, find out what your Love Language is.

Second, learn to process your feelings before you respond. It’s easier said than done, of course, but practice taking a beat; sometimes, it helps to fuse the words we want to use rather than those that bubble to the surface. Those that come up can sometimes be the awful things we have come up with in our heads. Still, by taking a breath we can use our calmer selves to articulate in a way that can be more easily understood rather than looking to hurt or blame our partner for whatever may be upsetting us.

Third, this goes out to the newer relationships, but it can also play out in more established ones, don’t play games. Games lead to manipulation and usually heartache. Instead of meaning what you say or saying what you mean, we tend to either say what our partner wants to hear or prioritizing selfish needs over the relationship. This method can set the tone of the relationship in a direction you may not want it to, or it can backfire entirely- creating a stickier challenge than the initial one. Let’s all be adults here and treat our relationships like the valued individuals we hold dear, no games necessary.

Fourth, remember to use proper timing. You don’t want to have a tense conversation right before bed. It never leads to restful slumber, believe me. If you’re preparing for a difficult conversation, make sure you’re both well-rested and come together to discuss rather than argue. Setting up times to check in is also beneficial; it can sometimes prevent life from leading us astray of what we need to do: communicate. Making sure we have time set to share allows us to have a designated time to bring things up that we may have forgotten in the ongoing week and figure out solutions together rather than ignore something that needs to be handled.

And lastly, set clear boundaries. In combination with the previous use of time, make sure to block time for specific discussions that may need space to breathe- finances usually come to mind. Make sure you’re setting the parameters of the debate before you have it. If it creates tension within the relationship, it’s best to deal with it head-on and stick to the discussion rather than bringing up past hurts or history.

The longer you are together, the more joys and the more lows you may have in a relationship- it’s only human. That’s why it’s essential to take the long view but also the practice of communicating better. What may have worked when we started our relationship may not be what we need at this moment.

I met my husband at 27, and now at 35, we communicate differently. With busy schedules, a child, and a mother-in-law in tow, it’s even more important to make sure we take the time to share. Making sure to take the time and check-in, planning when to talk, and making sure we stick to what we’re there to discuss are all crucial parts of what keeps us going. I never want to look back and wish we had communicated more- the reality is, that’s always the case because it saves you in some ways from yourself if you do. It also maintains intimacy and bonds like very few things can.

So go out there and communicate all over the place; you never know where you might grow.